


Hoth is freaking cold.

by AliciaSinCiudad



Series: AU - After Scarif [1]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Can you tell that I wrote this after staying home sick?, Chilaquiles, Fluff, Gen, Is there any other reason to set things on Hoth?, M/M, Some angst, Sorry Diego no Jabba, Trope I never tire of: he's cold - he needs body warmth!, Y Rudo y Cursi también
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-13 23:45:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9147316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliciaSinCiudad/pseuds/AliciaSinCiudad
Summary: Hoth is cold. Bodhi and Cassian don't do well with the cold. Obligatory "we need to use body heat" trope.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone knows how to make footnotes work, please give me a hint! Especially making them then lead you back to where you were in the text.
> 
> Please let me know if I've made any Star Wars errors in the comments.
> 
> I never came up with a good title, so I'm just keeping it as it is, because I think it's funny.

Bodhi didn’t even realize his hands were shaking until the goggles he’d been fiddling with slipped out of them. Chirrut reached out and grabbed them before Bodhi was aware that he’d dropped them.

“You’re cold,” Chirrut stated.

“I’m f-fine,” Bodhi stuttered. He bit his lip. He _was_ cold, and he hadn’t even noticed it. He always felt so on edge, he could never tell if he was nervous, terrified, or just cold. Not that he had any right to complain, given that he was inside. He thought of Cassian, traversing the tundra on a tauntaun to gather more information about the resistance movement on Hoth, and shivered.

“Take off your vest.”

“S-sorry?”

“Take off your vest. And your jacket. You need body heat.”

“B-but w-won’t it make me c-colder?”

“I will warm you up. The outer clothes will just be a barrier.”

“Ok.” Bodhi fumbled with the straps, but managed to remove his vest. Chirrut helped him with his jacket, then opened his robe, enveloping the younger man in its folds. Bodhi closed his eyes and sighed slightly. Feeling Chirrut’s body heat made him realize the extent of the cold he had been feeling. Setting his jaw, he tried to stop shaking, hating how weak he must seem, how weak he must _always_ seem, to the others.

“Everything ok?” Baze passed by and gave the two a concerned look. Before Bodhi could respond, Chirrut spoke up.

“Bodhi is cold. I am warming him up as best I can. I think that some hot tea would help, too.”

“I’ll go make tea, then.” Baze turned to go to the kitchen.

“I will make the tea. You have a bigger body than me, and will warm Bodhi more quickly.”

Bodhi would have blushed if he weren’t so cold. They were talking about him as though he weren’t even there. They must think so little of him. He didn’t even protest as Baze opened his own jacket and took him in his arms.

Chirrut was right – Baze fairly radiated heat. Closing his eyes, Bodhi remembered cold nights on Jedha from his childhood. He remembered huddling together with his parents and younger siblings, eating thin but comforting soup, warming each other not only with their body heat but also with family bonds and with hope for a better future. These cold and hungry nights had pushed him to become a pilot for the very forces that had occupied his home. A home that no longer existed; his city, his family, nearly anyone he’d grown up with, all destroyed by a terrifying new superweapon. The only ones who hadn’t died would be those, like him, who had “made it out” by joining the same forces that had oppressed them.

Baze squeezed Bodhi’s shoulder, bringing him out of his dark thoughts. “Better?” he asked.

“Much better, thank you,” Bodhi replied, drawing away. He pulled his jacket back on, hands no longer shaking as they did up the straps. He smiled, more for Baze’s benefit than out of real happiness. “Thank you so much.” He supposed this was his family now, such as it was. Real family destroyed, military family now officially the enemy, the only people he had left was this unlikely grouping of rebels. Including a repurposed Imperial droid. And the captain who had reprogrammed it.

“Ah, good, you are no longer shivering.” Chirrut returned to the sitting area with a tray, holding a large teapot and five cups.

“Five cups?” Baze asked. “But Cassian hasn’t returned yet.”

“He is returning as we speak. Jyn is going to meet him at the stables, isn’t that right?”

Bodhi looked up, and indeed, Jyn was passing through, dressed to face the harsh outdoors.

“Sorry?” she asked.

“You’re going to meet Cassian at the stables, correct?”

“Yes, I just saw him out the window. I thought I’d help him tie up the tauntaun.”

“I’ll go with you,” Bodhi said, starting to stand up, but Chirrut stuck an arm out, blocking him.

“You will do no such thing. You will sit here and drink tea.”

“But –”

“I believe I’ll be fine on my own,” Jyn added.

“Baze, go with her,” Chirrut said.

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” Jyn replied.

“Cassian is not used to the cold of Hoth. He may need more help than you think.” In concert, Chirrut and Baze stuck out their arms to block Bodhi as he tried to rise again. “Bodhi. You will stay here. If you go outside now, you will be more hindrance than help.” Chagrinned, Bodhi settled back into the sofa.

“Fine,” he muttered.

“We will be in Bodhi and Cassian’s quarters. Bring him there,” Chirrut told them. Jyn and Baze left to help Cassian. Bodhi stood, finally unencumbered, and reached for the tray with the teapot and cups. “I will carry this,” Chirrut said. “You will open the door for me.” Bodhi frowned. Chirrut probably did not trust him to carry the tray without dropping it. It bothered him that Chirrut’s doubt was completely warranted.

 

 

Jyn and Malbus arrived at the tauntaun stable at the same time as Andor. Jyn didn’t like how stiff Andor looked on the tauntaun, how he struggled to dismount. Jyn offered him her arm, and he leaned heavily on her as he came down. She could tell how numb his hands were when he could hardly even pick up the reins, and she knew that tying the animal up would be impossible. Chirrut had been right to send Malbus out with her.

“Tie the beast up,” she told Malbus, “I’m getting him inside.” Malbus nodded and did as she said.

Jyn’s progress with Andor was so slow that Malbus had finished tying up the beast and caught up with them by the time they were half-way to the main building. They made their way through the snow with one of Andor’s arms over each of them.

Despite the strong winds, Jyn could hear that Andor was breathing heavily. She couldn’t see his face, as it was covered by the snow mask, and she wondered how aware Andor was of his surroundings. Finally, they got to the building, and Jyn opened the door to the vestibule. As soon as the outside door closed, Jyn removed Andor’s mask and helmet. As she’d feared, his eyes were half-closed and unfocused. She opened the door to the main building, and practically dragged Andor inside. Hit by a wave of relative heat, Andor fainted in her arms.

No time to panic. “Malbus, help me get him to the sofa.” They half-carried, half-dragged him to the sofa, and removed his boots and outdoor gear. Once he was safely lying on the sofa, Jyn and Malbus removed their own boots and coats. “Let’s get him to his quarters.”

They picked him up again, and brought him down the hallway. Jyn opened the door to his quarters, and they lay him down on his bed. This whole time, he had shown no sign consciousness.

“Is he alright?” Rook was sitting on his own bed on the other side of the small room, wrapped in his blanket, holding a cup of hot tea in both hands. Îmwe sat beside him, sipping calmly from his own cup, and a tray with a teapot and three more cups sat on the table between the beds. One was filled, presumably for Andor, and the other two were empty.

“He’s not responsive,” Jyn replied bruskly.

“He fainted when he got inside,” Malbus added. “I think the sudden heat was a shock to his system. He will wake up soon.”

Rook blinked wordlessly, looking worried. Of course, Jyn thought, Rook always looked worried. He was new to the Resistance, new to the idea that he could do anything that would make a difference. Îmwe looked placid as always.

“We should let him rest,” Îmwe stated. “Bodhi, stay here. Someone should be with him. Baze, Jyn, let’s give him some room.”

Jyn was reluctant to leave Andor alone in this state. Of course, he wasn’t _actually_ alone, but she would have rather stayed with him. Still, she did as Îmwe said. She grabbed the teapot and the two empty cups. Before she left the room, she turned to Rook. “Let us know the moment he wakes up.”

“Of course,” Rook replied softly.

Jyn followed Malbus and Îmwe out, closing the door behind them.

 

 

Bodhi hated to see Cassian like this. What if it wasn’t just the shock from the heat? It wasn’t as though it were even that hot inside, he thought, shivering slightly. Maybe Cassian was still cold. He thought of how Chirrut and Baze had warmed him with their body heat. Maybe he should do the same for Cassian.

He removed his vest and jacket again, leaving them on the foot of his bed. Then he quietly crawled into Cassian’s bunk, gently moving Cassian closer to the wall. He wrapped his arms around the unconscious captain, wondering if the lack of shivering was a good or a bad sign. He felt for Cassian’s hands – they were ice cold. Bodhi brought one under his shirt, pressing it against his chest. The cold was shocking, but that meant that his chest must be warming Cassian, which was good. He brought Cassian’s other hand to his back, wincing again at the cold. Cassian’s fingers were curled up, as though still holding the tauntaun’s reins. Bodhi pressed until Cassian’s fingers slowly relaxed, both hands now making full contact with Bodhi’s skin. Slowly, Cassian’s arms relaxed too, his whole body relaxed, until he no longer seemed passed out but simply asleep.

They lay like this for a while, perhaps ten or twenty minutes. Bodhi was drifting off into sleep himself when Cassian shifted, and then suddenly jerked away.

“W-what?” Cassian’s hands balled into fists, his eyes few open. “W-where – ? Why?” He began to breath quickly.

“Cassian, it’s ok, it’s me, Bodhi.”

“B-but why? How? I –” Cassian gasped, raised his arm to his face, and turned to the wall so quickly he nearly bumped against it. _Ha-chh!_

“Bless you.” Bodhi took Cassian’s other hand and held it in both of his. Although he had to admit, his hands were not much warmer than Cassian’s, so it was doubtful that it did him much good. “I’m sorry to frighten you.”

“It’s ok. I just – just –” _Ha-chh!_ “Sorry.” He sniffed. “I don’t remember – well – I don’t know –” He closed his eyes, perhaps trying to get his bearings. Bodhi let go of Cassian’s hand and got off the bed. He opened his trunk, looking for a clean handkerchief. He found one with minimal grease-stains, and handed it to the captain.

“Here,” he said. Cassian nodded, smiling slightly, then blew his nose. “I’m sorry I scared you. You were returning with a message, and you fainted when you got inside. They took you to our quarters, and you were so cold, I thought I should warm you up. You weren’t responding, and we were all a bit worried.”

“All?”

“Well, I was worried at least. I don’t think Chirrut is ever worried.” Cassian smiled at that, before turning aside to sneeze again. “Bless you.” Bodhi sat next to Cassian again, wrapping his arm around him. He was a little surprised at himself, how he dared to touch the captain he spent so much time thinking about.

“You shouldn’t be next to me,” Cassian told him, moving away. “You’ll catch this cold. We don’t need both of us to be sick.”

“Actually, you may have caught that from me,” Bodhi admitted. “I’ve been having chills. I thought it was just the cold, the temperature I mean, but maybe I was getting a little sick. I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok.”

“No, it’s not ok. I should have thought. Someone else could have warmed you up. I’m sorry.”

“Really, it’s ok. It’s just a cold. I’ll be fine. Here, sit next to me again. I mean, if you want to.”

“I should tell the others you’re up,” Bodhi said, standing up and putting his jacket and vest back on. “There’s some tea for you on the table, although it’s probably cold by now. I’ll go make some more.” He walked out without looking at Cassian again. There was no way he could look into those wide brown eyes without blushing. He couldn’t believe he had actually lain next to the captain, held his hands in his own. In the name of warming him up, of course.

Jyn and Baze were sitting on the sofa in the living room, engaged in a game of sabacc, while Chirrut was brewing another pot of tea. “So Cassian has awoken?” he asked, as though it weren’t obvious that he already knew, given that he was already brewing more tea.

“Yes, he just woke up.”

“I’ll be right back.” Jyn stood up and walked away, not even bothering to put down the cards in her hand. Probably for the best, as Baze would have looked at them in her absence.

“Who’s winning?” Bodhi asked.

“I’m winning,” Baze answered. “She just doesn’t know it yet.”

 

 

Jyn found Andor sitting up on his bunk, blanket wrapped around him. He was more or less in the same position Rook had been in when they’d entered the quarters less than half an hour earlier, although the effect was very different. For one thing, Andor had a much more powerful presence. He sat upright, never hunched over like the pilot did.

“Andor. Rook told me you’re awake.”

“I am.” He turned to his side, raising a cloth to his face. _Ha-chh!_ “Pardon.”

“Bless you. I take it you’re coming down with a cold.”

“It’s nothing.” He sniffed.

“Îmwe’s making more tea. That should warm you up.”

Andor nodded, then turned to the side and sneezed again. He blew his nose.

“Doesn’t sound great. I don’t suppose you’ll be gathering much intelligence any time soon.”

“It’s just a cold. If I need to go out again, I’ll go out.”

“Captain. You nearly fell off the tauntaun when you arrived at the stable, and then you fainted when you got inside. I don’t think it would be wise to go out again before you’ve fully recovered. You’re worth more to us alive than dead.”

“I’m glad to know my worth is so important to you.”

“You’re our best intelligence officer.”

“The best intelligence officer out of five people and a broken droid. This is high flattery.”

“Captain. I wish you would take your health seriously.”

“Of course. Anything for the cause.” He paused. Suddenly, he got a twinkle in his eyes. “You’re worried about me, aren’t you?”

“As I said, you are worth more to us alive than dead.”

“Yes, but also, you’re worried about me. You care about me, Erso.”

“I care about your health.”

“Yes. You care about my health because you care about _me_.”

“Please. It’s just that you make a more effective spy when you’re not sneezing every thirty seconds.”

He grinned, undeterred. “You hate to see paleness in this beautiful face.”

“Captain.”

“You _really like_ me.”

“With all due respect, Captain, your best friend is a droid that you reprogrammed to put up with you.”

Suddenly, the light went out of Andor’s eyes.

“Andor. I’m sorry. I was only teasing.”

“It’s ok,” he said flatly. “In any case, you’re right.” He cleared his throat. “I think I should rest now, take care of my health like you said.” He lay down and turned to his side, facing the wall. “Please tell Îmwe to just leave the tea for me. I need to sleep.”

“Andor. I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok,” he repeated. “Please let me rest.”

“Of course.” Jyn cursed herself as she exited the room. She shouldn’t have reacted that strongly. She returned to the sofa, and glumly sat next to Malbus.

“Is he alright?” Malbus asked.

“He’s fine.”

“You sound upset,” Îmwe commented.

“I said he’s fine.”

“Then let’s get back to our game,” Malbus responded.

That’s when Jyn realized she’d left the cards in Andor’s quarters. “I forgot my cards. I’ll be right back.”

“While you are going, you can bring this to Cassian,” Îmwe said, handing her a fresh cup of tea.

“Right. Thank you.”

She knocked tentatively before entering. Andor was still on his side, face to the wall.

“Andor. I’ve got tea for you.”

“Thank you.” He didn’t look up.

“Shall I take the other cup? It’s probably cold by now.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Jyn sighed. “I’m sorry, Andor. I spoke without thinking. I – I’m not used to caring about people. I think I’m a little afraid of it. Caring about people has always been a liability for me.”

Finally, Andor sat up. He looked at her. “I know what you mean.”

Jyn smiled sadly, handing him the cup. She watched him blow on it and take a slow sip. The way he winced slightly when he swallowed told her he probably had a sore throat.

“It’s good,” he murmured. He took another sip, wincing less at the second swallow. “Thank you for bringing it to me.”

“You’re welcome. Anyway. What I said, it isn’t true.”

Andor sighed. “It is. But it’s alright. It’s nothing I didn’t already know.”

“Maybe it was true before. But it isn’t now. You’re not alone. You’ve got – you’ve got us.” She had been about to say ‘you’ve got me,’ but she wasn’t ready to say that. Not yet. Even so, she sat next to him. It would be so easy to lean against him, to lay her head on his shoulder. Even to kiss that soft, pale cheek. He turned away suddenly to sneeze, and Jyn shifted away just a little. “I suppose I should keep some distance. No point in two of us being sick.”

“Three,” he responded, before blowing his nose.

“Three?” she asked.

“Rook. He has chills. So we are already two who are sick.”

“Great.” She spotted her cards on the table where she’d left them. “Well, you just let me know if you need anything. I’m sure there will be more tea coming soon.”

“Some food would be nice.”

“Oh really, don’t be shy, anything you need,” Jyn teased, picking up her cards.

“It doesn’t have to be gourmet, just something warm. I haven’t eaten since before the journey, you know. Oh!” His eyes lit up. “I have a message! It’s a hologram, in the pocket of my jacket, do you know where it is?”

“We hung it up in the vestibule.”

“Go listen. It’s good news. The Resistance is strong here. We should join them. We can help.”

“When you’re better.”

“Yes, when we’re better.” Right. ‘We.’ She kept forgetting about Rook. “Go play. You have a good hand.”

“You looked?”

“Of course I looked. I’m an intelligence officer, this is my job.” He grinned. “I think you’re winning. Malbus just doesn’t know it yet.”

 

 

Bodhi was on his second cup of tea when Jyn returned, cards in hand. She turned to Chirrut. “He didn’t cheat while I was gone, did he?” Bodhi tried not to feel annoyed that she’d asked a blind man before asking him. After all, Chirrut _did_ notice a lot more than most people, sighted or otherwise.

“My friend is honorable as always,” Chirrut replied. Which did not answer Jyn’s question. She didn’t ask him, so Bodhi didn’t mention that he’d traded out two of his less favorable cards in Jyn’s absence.

“Right, then. I believe it’s my turn.” She played a four of staves, then turned to Bodhi. “Andor says you’re ill?” she asked.

“Oh. Um. I don’t know,” he stuttered. “I – I’m not sure. I’ve been having chills, but I think it’s just because I’m not used to the climate. I don’t think I’m really sick.”

“But you’re not sure.”

“No.” Bodhi wasn’t sure where this was going.

“So, right now you’re sitting with three healthy people, in a cold and harsh environment, without telling anyone that you might, for example, be contagious. And you’ve been in close quarters with someone who was on the edge of hypothermia, possibly giving him something that could potentially turn into full-blown pneumonia. But you’re not actually sure one way or the other. Does that sound about right?”

“Oh. Um. I, er, hadn’t thought about it like that. I’m sorry.”

“Especially given that Andor and I have spent very little time on your planet, and are unlikely to have immunity to your diseases.”

Bodhi decided it was the wrong time to mention that he was from a moon, and not a planet. He looked down.

“Yes. I’m sorry.”

“I’m not even sure where to send you, since quarantining you in your quarters would expose Andor to you and your possible, but not definite, contagions.”

“Ah.” Bodhi wished he could shrink down and disappear.

“At this point, Cassian has already been exposed to whatever Bodhi may or may not have,” Baze spoke up. “Frankly, so have Chirrut and I. So the tauntaun is already out of the stable, so to speak.”

“Right,” Jyn replied. “Brilliant.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll, um, try to stay out of everyone’s way.”

“He’ll be hungry,” Chirrut said. “Bodhi, can you cook?”

“Should he really be in the kitchen?” Jyn asked.

“The harm is done, if any harm _has_ been done,” Chirrut replied. “He has mentioned that he likes chilaquiles.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

Twenty minutes later, Bodhi had put together something that in no way resembled chilaquiles, but that did have protein, grains, and vitamins, so Bodhi considered it a success. He brought the plate of food to his room, hoping that Cassian would still be awake. He was happy to find that he was, sitting on his bed and sipping hot tea.

Bodhi cleared his throat as he entered, although it was unnecessary, since the noise of the door was enough to get Cassian’s attention. “Um, I brought something to eat. If you’re hungry.” He set the plate on the table.

“Thank you. I’m starving.” Cassian smiled at Bodhi, his eyes crinkling in that maddening way they did. He patted next to him on the bed. “Come, sit with me. Eat with me. I think already I have infected you or you have infected me, so it doesn’t really matter anymore.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Enough with the sorry. Sit. Eat.”

Bodhi sat. “I hope you like it.”

“What is it?”

“Whatever I found in the kitchen.”

“You know, you could have told me that this is a traditional dish on Jedha, and I wouldn’t know you were lying.”

“Yes, you’re unlikely to find out now, aren’t you?”

“Shit, sorry.” To fill the awkward pause, Cassian took a bite. “This is actually not so bad.”

“High praise.”

“Well, it’s no chilaquiles, but it’s alright.”

“What are chilaquiles? Chirrut mentioned them, too.”

“Oh, chilaquiles are amazing! You must try them!” His eyes lit up, thinking of his favorite food.  “When we are at a planet with real vegetables, I’ll make them for you. You will love them. But this is pretty good, too.” Bodhi noticed he hadn’t taken a second bite.

“It’s awful, isn’t it?”

“It isn’t awful.”

“You haven’t eaten all day, and you’re still not eating it.”

“No, I’m just tired.” Cassian took another bite, and grimaced.

“Ok, it’s definitely bad, you can say so.”

“No, really it’s not. To tell you the truth, it hurts a little to swallow. But it’s nothing.”

“I should have made soup.”

“Really, it’s nothing.” As if to disprove his point, he turned to the side and sneezed three times, then blew his nose. “Sorry.”

“Bless you.”

“Thank you.” He leaned against Bodhi. “Will you eat?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Oh?”

“I mean, I already ate something.” This was not the truth, but he didn’t want Cassian to worry about him. To be honest, the chills were starting to come back, and with a vengeance.

“You’re shaking. Are you cold?”

“I’m fine. I’m just not used to the climate here.”

“But we’re inside. It’s warm here. You’re still cold anyway?”

“I’m fine.” Bodhi blushed. So the others weren’t as cold as he was?

Cassian raised an eyebrow. “Yes, clearly we’re both fine. Rook, if you’re cold, you should use a blanket. Here, we can share the one from my bed.” Bodhi wondered what it would take for Cassian to call him Bodhi instead of Rook. He took the blanket and wrapped it around the two of them. “Now, eat something. You look like you never eat a real cooked meal.”

“You mean, I cook like I never eat a real cooked meal.”

“Also.” Cassian grinned. “But I’ve eaten worse.”

“Tell me.” Bodhi wanted to hear any details Cassian might tell him about his past.

“This one time, on Elom, I had to eat this local delicacy. I’ve forgotten the name, or maybe I just don’t want to remember. It was so slimy, and a little bit sticky, like eating glue. The taste was not much different, either.”

“I’ve never had occasion to eat glue.”

“Well, it tastes like how glue smells. This is far better than that.”

“What _does_ it taste like, then?”

“Like standard army rations. But with a little bit of spice. I like the spice.”

“I keep a little mantor leaf wherever I go.” He paused. When would he have fresh mantor leaf again? It was not, after all, his whole planet that had been destroyed. But without his city, without his family and everyone he knew, would it be too painful to return?

“It’s delicious. Please. Eat.”

“Really, I’m not hungry.”

“You worry me. Too cold, not eating. Rook, you must take care of yourself. You are our pilot, and our best engineer. We need you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say sorry!” Cassian put the plate down and lay his arm on Bodhi’s shoulders. “I want you to feel comfortable with me. Tell me how you are feeling. Tell me how I can help.”

Bodhi wondered what would happen if he really did tell Cassian what he was feeling. _I’m cold. I miss my home. Sometimes I’m too numb to mourn so many people at once, and sometimes they come to me one at a time, and it’s too much. I dream of tentacles and wake up in terror. But I want to touch_ you _because with you I feel safe. And because you’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met. And because I think I’m falling for you. Which is stupid because who falls in love in the middle of a war? And what accomplished rebel captain would fall for a recently defected low-level imperial pilot?_

“Tell me, Rook, what are you thinking now?”

Bodhi winced. “Nothing.”

Cassian cocked his head. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t pry. Your secrets are your own.”

“Thank you.”

Cassian took another mouthful of food, chewed thoughtfully, and swallowed. “You know, if I close my eyes and pretend, I can believe this is real food, and not just rations. It’s really not so bad at all.”

Bodhi laughed. “Your flattery is embarrassing me. I don’t know if I deserve it.”

“Oh yes, you definitely deserve this flattery. In fact, I can say that I don’t even have to pretend very hard.”

“You’re too kind.” _But really, you_ are _too kind. Please stop, because it’s getting harder not to kiss you._

“I promise you I will return the favor.”

“With chilaquiles or with barely-disguised rations?”

“This will have to be a surprise.”

Bodhi grinned. He couldn’t believe that he and Cassian were teasing each other. Suddenly, Cassian tightened his grip on Bodhi. He’d been shivering again. “Sorry.”

Cassian sighed. “There isn’t actually a way I can stop you from apologizing, is there? Can I convince you that I’m happy to have the company? It’s different, being with a real person and not a droid all the time.”

“So my food is better than glue and my company is better than a machine?”

“Ok, Rook, you want better praise, you need to make better food.”

“Call me Bodhi.” Bodhi swallowed. “Please.”

“Ok. Bodhi. Your food is better than glue, and your company is better than a machine. And I would rather be sick with you than be healthy on my own.”

Bodhi put an arm around the captain and leaned against him. “Well, your company is better than a cargo ship with an empty passenger seat. And I’d rather be sick with you than healthy on my own, too.”

Cassian grinned. “You know the way to a man’s heart.” Suddenly, he froze. Bodhi didn’t dare to look at him. He was still teasing, wasn’t he? It was just a manner of speech. After a moment, he snuck a look. Cassian’s eyes were closed, and Bodhi didn’t know if he was upset or just about to sneeze. After a moment, Cassian shook his head. “Anyway. Thank you for sitting with me.”

“It’s my pleasure. I – I like sitting with you.” Unsure of what else to do, he took a piece of food from the plate and put it in his mouth. It really wasn’t very good, but it was edible. The mantor leaf helped.

“Well, feel free to sit with me as long as you like. I’m not going anywhere for a while.”

Bodhi nodded. Before he could reply, his breath hitched, and he turned away from Cassian. _Ha-chu!_ “Excuse me.”

“Bless you.”

“Thank you.” He felt Cassian grab him and he realized he’d been starting to list over to one side.

“You’re weary. You should rest.” Cassian put the plate of food, less than half-eaten between the two of them, on the table. “I’m tired, too. Let’s sleep for a while. We can keep each other warm.”

“You know, I’m warmer than a droid, too.” _Ha-chu!_

“I’m not completely sure I believe that at the moment. But with my help, I think that we can make it happen.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spanish is not my first language, so corrections very much welcome. Honestly, English corrections are welcome, too, especially British English which is how I’m trying to write Jyn and Bodhi.
> 
> Festan is meant to be like Mexican Spanish because Diego Luna is from Mexico, and Jedhan is meant to be like Jordanian Arabic because that's where they filmed it. But there's only about two words of Arabic, so I don't know if linguistic varieties will come into play. I might leave some errors in for Cassian Andor because he is very out of practice with speaking Festan in this story, but I’d like to at least know that they’re errors.
> 
> It's totally normal to think this much about socio-linguistics when writing a fanfic, right?

Bodhi woke up damp with sweat. The chills had given way to fever. Without thinking, he threw off his blanket. The shocked “Oh!” reminded him that he was not alone.

“Sorry!” he whispered, pulling the blanket back into place.

Cassian shifted beside him, grunting a little as he pulled the blanket tight around himself. He was shivering. Bodhi wrapped his arms around the captain.

“Chills?” he asked. As though to answer, Cassian sneezed. “Bless you. I’ll take that as a yes.”

Cassian sniffed. “You’re so warm. Is it fever?”

“It’s fine. I’ll warm you up and you’ll cool me off.” He took Cassian’s hands in his own. “Your hands are like ice.” He brought them up to his face and blew on them. Cassian slowly began to grin. Then he jerked to the side to sneeze into his shoulder.

“Pardon.”

“Bless you.” Bodhi pressed one of Cassian’s hands into his forehead, and sighed in relief. He could feel the fever dropping already. He felt Cassian’s hand relax against him.

“Sorry, I need another handkerchief.” Before Cassian could sit up, Bodhi was already out of bed and at his trunk. He wished he had more cloths that weren’t covered in engine grease. He found the remains of an old undershirt, and tore off a piece.

“You don’t need to destroy your clothes for me.”

“It was already destroyed, don’t worry. I tear up old shirts for rags all the time.”

“In space, we don’t waste anything, do we?”

“In space, and on Hoth.” _Ha-chu!_

“So now you’re sneezing too. I don’t like it. You’re getting worse, aren’t you?”

“I’m fine.” Bodhi tore off another piece of cloth for himself, then crawled back into Cassian’s bed. “Here,” he said handing one cloth to Cassian.

“Thanks.” Cassian blew his nose. “I think it’s time for more tea. Don’t get up!”

“I don’t mind.”

Cassian ignored him, and sat up. He pushed himself to stand up, swayed a little, then sat back down. “Shit. Maybe you should get the tea. Sorry.”

“I told you, I don’t mind. Do you want me to warm up the food? I mean, the Jedhan delicacy?”

Cassian grinned, brushing Bodhi’s hair behind his ear. “That would be lovely.”

Bodhi hesitated to get up after Cassian’s touch. Did he dare? Before he could convince himself otherwise, he mirrored the gesture, brushing Cassian’s hair behind his ear. Cassian’s smile widened.

“Or maybe tea can wait.” He paused. “Bodhi, are you ok with this? I don’t want to do anything that will hurt you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean – I mean I’d really like to kiss you. But only if you want.” Bodhi couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“You mean you feel the same way?”

“So you feel this too?”

“I can’t believe you didn’t notice! I’m always so nervous around you.”

“I thought you were just always nervous, like part of your personality.”

“I suppose I am. I just, I never thought, some backwoods pilot like me, a captain like you…”

“Bodhi Rook, you were born on an occupied moon, you became a pilot, you rebelled against the only power you had ever known, you survived torture and stayed with the Rebellion anyway, and beyond all that, you put up with me. You should be very proud.”

Bodhi didn’t know how to respond, so he changed the subject. “Teach me a word from Fest.”

“Chilaquiles. It means the most delicious food you have ever eaten.”

“Hungry?”

“More hungry for a kiss than for food.”

“Is this what flirting is on Fest?”

Cassian laughed. “Am I that bad?”

“No, I meant that question literally. I’m not very good with flirting. And it’s very different on Jedha. I never figured out how to flirt with other cultures, so I just never dated once I became a pilot.” He paused. “Did you ever date anyone?”

“There was a man…” Cassian sighed. “His name was Gael. From Fest, also. I met him as a teenager, we were two festanos in this meeting on Alderaan. He had this brilliant smile.” Cassian smiled himself at the memory. “After the meeting, he challenged me to a game of limmie, just one on one. He had such a strange style of playing, but it worked. He won by a single goal.”

“I didn’t know you played limmie.”

“It’s very popular on Fest. I remember, it felt so good to hear my native language. I hadn’t heard it for ten years. And now, it’s been almost twice that.” He sighed. “I don’t think I can even speak my own language anymore.”

“How do you say ‘I love you?’ ”

“Are you really so cheesy?”

“Na’am, Habibi.”[1]

“Pardon?”

“It means ‘yes’ in Jedhan.”

“I will tell you something beautiful in Festan. Tengo mucha hambre pero cocinas como un pinche pendejo.”[2]

“What does that mean?”

“It means that you have beautiful eyes.”

“Tengo muchambre…” Bodhi began. Cassian laughed. “Do I sound that bad?”

“Not at all. Please pass me the better-than-glue delicacy.”

Bodhi did so. “Tell me more about Gael.”

Cassian took a bite of food, and chewed slowly, as though considering what to say. “He was a really funny guy. Always joking, always smiling. And so idealistic. At least, when I first met him. But over time, he hardened. I guess I hardened too. And we had so little time together – I would be off on intelligence missions, he left to fight in the water wars… Eventually, the time apart was too much. It’s too bad. I wonder how he is, sometimes. I wonder if he’s still alive.”

“Was he a good cook?”

Cassian laughed. “Actually, yes. He was a really good cook. And he liked to sing when he cooked. He liked to sing all the time. He was, let’s say, a passionate singer. Passionate, and loud.”

“If you could see him now, what would you say to him?”

“I don’t even know, it’s been so long. I think… I think I would ask him if he still speaks Festan. And if he still sings off-key.” He smiled at the memory. “And if you could talk to anyone, who would it be?”

“My brothers and sisters. My parents. My whole family.” Bodhi closed his eyes. “The tea-seller near the temple. My cousin who ran races with me and always won. That horrid old man who lived next door and told me I’d never amount to anything. My uncle, who taught me to play Dejarik. My grandmother, may the force be with her, who used to…” He stopped. He had said ‘may the force be with her’ about his grandmother, but he should say that for everyone. They were all dead now.

Cassian put an arm around Bodhi. “I’m sorry. It was a stupid question.”

“It’s ok. I don’t want to forget. I’m the only one left to remember them.”

“In that case, tell me about them.”

Bodhi took a deep breath, wondering where to begin. He started with his grandmother. Some of his earliest memories were of his grandmother cooking, fussing over her grandchildren, telling them stories by the fireplace. He remembered her food fondly, and regretted that he had generally been shooed out of the kitchen. But the stories he remembered vividly, her expressive voice, the crackling of the fire, the shared feelings of joy, excitement, and sorrow as everyone listened raptly. Soon, he found himself talking about his siblings and cousins, the ever-shifting rivalries and alliances of youth. He talked about the marketplace itself, the smells and the sounds. How his oldest sister always insisted on buying from that one tea merchant by the temple, but would never admit to why, until finally the merchant made the first move, inviting the whole family to drink tea at his shop after he had closed for the evening. The taste of those sweets he’d served with the tea, but nothing was sweeter than the quiet joy in his sister’s eyes. Bodhi had missed the wedding – the Imperial army didn’t give low-level pilots time off for family affairs. And of course, now they were gone, all gone… Bodhi fell silent.

Cassian gave Bodhi a sad smile as he took Bodhi’s hand in his own, squeezing it. Cassian’s hand was like ice. He was shivering.

“Shit, Cassian, you’re freezing.”

“Am I? I didn’t notice.” Cassian pulled the blanket tighter around himself. “Please, tell me more. If it doesn’t hurt too much.”

“First, tea. And let’s see if someone else is a better cook than I am.”

“The food is fine.”

“You’re a terrible liar.”

“I’m an intelligence officer! I’m an amazing liar!”

“And yet you just showed your hand.”

“Shit, that’s not fair. You shouldn’t trick someone who is very sick.” He sneezed twice. If someone could sneeze in an aggrieved fashion, Cassian had just done it. Bodhi rolled his eyes. He pulled the blanket from his bunk and wrapped over Cassian’s. Then he took the aforementioned food, as well as the empty tea cups, and headed to the kitchen.

 

 

Bodhi found Jyn in the kitchen, brewing something strong- and caffeinated-smelling.

“Excuse me,” he said, a bit wary to see her.

“Oh, it’s you!” she startled.

“I can wait,” he said softly, all the bravado from talking with Cassian quickly draining out of him.

“No, hold on, I’ll just be a second.” She was avoiding his eyes. “I was thinking of cooking something. If you and Andor are still hungry.”

Bodhi shrugged, and indicated the largely-untouched plate he was holding.

“Ah. So neither of you is very hungry, then.”

“No, it’s just, um, it’s just I’m a really terrible cook. I’ll eat this, I don’t want it to go to waste, but I think Cassian would appreciate, well, anything other than this.”

“Of course. No problem.” She paused. “I mean, I’m sure you’re not a terrible cook.”

Bodhi laughed hollowly. “That was very convincing.”

“Rook, I’m sorry.” She turned to look him in the face. “I was really harsh with you. I shouldn’t have been. I just, I felt so protective of Andor. I’m not used to caring for anyone but myself. But I was out of line, and I’m sorry.”

“You were right.”

“Maybe. But it was too late to do anything. And I didn’t have to be so harsh about it. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. Really. Honestly, it hardly even registered as harsh to me. I just felt bad because, because you were right. Cassian’s really sick now, and it’s very likely my fault.”

“We don’t know that it is.” She paused again. “It didn’t register as harsh to you?”

“I was in the Imperial army. I’m used to being chewed out. This was pretty mild.”

Jyn was silent for a moment. “The Imperial army… I wonder… I wonder if I act like someone from the Imperial army…”

“No! That’s not what I meant!”

“But I was raised by a high-ranking Imperial officer. Even though he sort of defected for a while, even though I was in hiding from when I was eight years old… Maybe I’m more like them than I want to believe.”

“Please. Don’t think like that.” He put down the plate and cups. “We all have our pasts. If you want to talk about, about being like _them,_ I’m the one who was complicit. For years. They occupied my home, and I worked for them. I’m sure my actions have helped defeat Rebel forces, nobody is neutral in war.”

“Why _did_ you work for them?”

Bodhi shrugged. “They were the only game in town. I wanted to provide for my family – I never wanted them to feel hunger again. And then, I fell in love with flying. I told myself that mechanics and flight were politically neutral. I told myself that by moving up in their ranks, that I was paving the way for all Jedhans. You can see how much they came to respect us,” he said bitterly, “how completely indispensable our people are to them.”

Jyn had closed her eyes, and her face showed some unreadable mix of emotions – perhaps anger, disgust, anguish, compassion, or even numbness. Bodhi was familiar with all of them. “I’m so sorry,” she said quietly.

“Well.” Bodhi wasn’t sure what to do with her emotions. “Um, you mentioned cooking something?”

Jyn opened her eyes. “Right. Listen, if the food’s really that bad, we can feed it to the tauntaun.”

“No, I’ll eat it.” Bodhi didn’t want any mantor leaf to go to waste. Anyway, he doubted he’d enjoy any food, no matter how well-cooked it was. “But for Cassian. He might like something. Maybe soup, I think he has a sore throat.”

“Of course. And you’ll both probably want more tea?”

“I can make the tea.”

“You go rest. I’ll bring you the food and tea when they’re ready.”

“I don’t mind, really.”

“Rook, you really should rest. And take care of Andor. Please.”

“Ok.” Bodhi suspected that Jyn had developed strong feelings for Cassian, perhaps stronger than friendship. He wondered how she would feel if she realized that Bodhi felt the same way. And that Cassian shared Bodhi’s feelings. He swallowed, wondering if Cassian also shared Jyn’s feelings.

Back in his quarters, Bodhi sat on the foot of Cassian’s bed and forced himself to eat the food he’d made. He wasn’t the least bit hungry, but he knew that he needed to keep his strength up, for Cassian, and for the Resistance. “Jyn’s making soup,” he told Cassian. “And tea.”

“That sounds good,” Cassian answered.

The next minutes passed mostly in silence, Bodhi eating mechanically and Cassian watching him eat. The quiet was punctuated by the occasional sneeze from Cassian’s direction. When he’d finished what seemed like a reasonable amount, Bodhi put the plate down and sighed with relief.

“What’s on your mind?” Cassian asked.

“Nothing,” Bodhi answered. Then he decided that he might as well ask. “Jyn’s quite a woman, isn’t she?”

“She is,” Cassian replied. “A little rough around the edges, but you can’t really blame her. I can’t imagine growing up with Saw Gerrera.”

Bodhi flinched involuntarily. He didn’t like thinking about Saw Gerrera, and that thing, the bor gullet, reaching toward him, inside him…

“Bodhi, are you ok?” Suddenly, Cassian was sitting next to him, his hand on Bodhi’s arm. “Stay with me.”

“I’m here,” Bodhi answered, blinking and breathing deeply, as the room came back into focus.

“I shouldn’t have mentioned… him. Sorry. You were saying. About Jyn.”

“I was just wondering –”

Of course that was the moment the door opened, and Jyn entered, carrying a tray with a bowl of soup, fresh tea for the two men, and something caffeinated for herself. If she was surprised to see them sitting so close, she didn’t show it.

“How are you feeling?” she asked, without indicating who she was addressing. Bodhi assumed she was talking to Cassian.

“I’m ok,” Cassian answered. “Just some chills, and –” _Ha-chh!_ “– and that.”

Jyn handed him a bowl of soup. He closed his eyes, bringing it to his lips, blowing, and taking a slow sip. He smiled. “It’s delicious.”

Bodhi shifted uncomfortably. It wasn’t as though there were that high of a bar to surpass. He watched Cassian eat the soup with obvious pleasure, and felt his confidence drain yet again.

“I’m glad you like it,” Jyn smiled. She turned to Bodhi. “Tea?”

“Yes, please. Thanks.” He took a sip. It was as good as Chirrut’s. He shouldn’t feel so inadequate, but there he was.

“Well. I probably shouldn’t hang around you two for very long.”

“Stay,” Cassian urged her. “Just sit on Bodhi’s bunk, it’s probably not infected.”

She sat down. Then understanding dawned in her eyes. “Ah.”

Bodhi choked on his tea, spilling it on himself. “S-sorry,” he stuttered, blushing.

“Are you alright?” Cassian asked.

Bodhi nodded. He put his tea on the table, and without thinking, took off his shirt, rummaging for a dry one in his trunk. After he put the new one on, he noticed Jyn pointedly not looking at him. He had forgotten about that whole gender thing. Although he couldn’t have been the first man she’d ever seen shirtless. But maybe he was the first romantic rival she’d seen shirtless.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, for what felt like the hundredth time.

“It’s fine,” Jyn muttered. “Look, if I’m interrupting something…”

“No, Erso. Please stay,” Cassian insisted. “We are like a family, the six of us. Five of us,” he corrected himself. He hadn’t quite finished fixing K-2, and it was unclear if K-2 would be the same when he _was_ fixed.

“You know, family might not be the best metaphor to use for me,” Jyn said sardonically.

Cassian laughed, a single harsh exhalation. “Maybe it’s not the best metaphor for any of us. What I mean is that we all depend on each other, we need to all care for each other. Maybe we have different individual relationships with each person, but all together we are one unit. Each one of us is important to everyone else in that unit.”

Jyn looked unmoved. “How often have you given that speech? To how many different units?”

“That doesn’t matter,” Cassian said. “In this moment, _we_ are the unit, the family. We have been through so much together, and we have come out alive. For the most part.”

Bodhi wondered what it was like when all you had to lose was a droid. He tried not to think about his own home, his own people. It was too much, especially when he was already feeling nauseous.

“The five of us came out alive,” Jyn said. “I’m sorry you lost K-2SO, Andor. I know that must have been hard.”

“Yeah. Well. We’ve all lost. A lot. But we’re here now.” Cassian took a sip of soup before continuing. “Jyn Erso, you were the first human being I cared about for a long time. You brought my humanity back to me. Thank you for that.”

“Oh. Well.” Jyn shrugged, apparently about as used to this kind of speech as Bodhi was. Which was to say, not very. Bodhi wondered if it was his turn to say something.

“Um, thanks for giving me a chance. For believing in me.”

“Of course.” She turned to Bodhi. “A friend of my father’s is a friend of mine.”

“He was a good man, your father. He did what he thought was right.” It hurt a little to say this. On the one hand, Bodhi had known Galen personally. He’d been a small haven of kindness in a very harsh galaxy. He had trusted Bodhi, and was probably the reason Bodhi was even alive at that moment. He was also the reason why almost anyone Bodhi had known in his first decade of life was now dead.

“Thank you for taking the risk,” Jyn told him. “If it weren’t for you, we’d never have gotten those plans to the Death Star. And you stayed with us, even after you no longer had to. You’re much braver than you think you are, Bodhi Rook.”

Bodhi shrugged, looking at the floor. He supposed this meant that he and Jyn were alright, then, despite the awkwardness of Cassian Andor and His Irresistible Charm.

_Ha-chh! Ha-chh! Ha-chh!_ Cassian began to list away from Bodhi, who grabbed him before he could fall off the bunk.

“I suppose that’s enough speech-making for the moment,” Jyn commented. “Rook, look after Andor, will you? And Andor, you look after Rook.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Cassian mumbled, sarcastic even as his energy was fading. “And you look after The Warrior and the Priest.”

Jyn drained her drink and stood up. “At this point, I’m not even sure which one is which.”

 

[1] _Na'am_ means "yes" (as far as I can tell from looking it up). Arabic corrections are more than welcome.

_Habibi_ is a term of endearment. Notice how Bodhi doesn't translate this part.

[2] I'm really hungry, but you cook like a fucking idiot. (Or "a fucking asshole." You get the idea.)


	3. Chapter 3

She’d only been awake for a few hours, and Jyn was already restless. It was the day after Andor had returned from his mission, and she’d last seen him in the early evening. He and Rook hadn’t emerged from their quarters yet, presumably still asleep.

Jyn had listened and re-listened to the holographic message. She was not, like Andor, an intelligence officer, so it wasn’t to look for hidden nuances. She was just that bored, especially since she’d caught Malbus cheating at sabacc and had stopped playing with him out of protest. Anyway, there was so much to do, and she hated just sitting around. But she held back, not wanting to leave while two of her men were sick. Especially since one of them was the closest thing she’d had to a friend in quite a while.

No. He wasn’t the closest thing to a friend. He _was_ a friend. And so was Rook, even he was a lucky little bastard for attracting Andor’s affections. And the other two, yes, they were her friends too. Her oddly matched spiritual warrior friends.

In any case, she was bored and restless, and going outside was getting more and more tempting.

“You’ll need to take a message to them.” Jyn started, looking up. Îmwe had apparently entered the common room without attracting her attention. It was easier to notice him when he was muttering “I am one with the force; the force is with me.”

“I’m sorry?”

“We need to get a message back to the rebels Cassian talked with,” Îmwe clarified. “You’re our best hope to get that message out right now. Baze and I can take care of the other two while you’re gone.”

When Jyn didn’t answer right away, he added, “You need something to do, and this needs to be done.”

“Alright. I’ll just check in and see if the others are awake yet, before I leave.”

Îmwe nodded, and off Jyn went.

She was surprised to find Rook sleeping in his own bunk rather than Andor’s. Andor was sitting on his bunk, tinkering with the nearly-rebuilt K-2SO and frowning.

“Morning,” Jyn said quietly. Andor looked up, still frowning.

“Morning.”

“How’s it going?”

“Not great.” He put down his tools with a resigned air. “I can get functionality back, but all his memories, his personality – it’s irretrievable. He’s really gone.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I think I knew from the beginning. But now I can’t pretend I don’t know. I’ve lost the only one who knew so much about me, for so long. There’s no one else who remembers what I remember.”

Jyn sat down next to Andor, and, germs be damned, gave him a fierce hug. “I’m sorry, Andor,” she whispered. “But you’re not alone. You’ve got us. You’ve got me.”

“Thank you,” he whispered, and she knew the thickness in his voice was not just from his cold. He cleared his throat. “But you didn’t come here just to chat. I know you too well to think so.”

“You’re right. I wanted to check in on you before leaving.” Andor looked up sharply. “I’m not leaving permanently,” Jyn clarified. “I’m going to touch base with the Rebels you spoke with. You said the Resistance was strong here. We can plan a time to meet up in a few more days. This should give them time to gather everyone, and give you and Rook time to recover.”

Andor nodded. “Thank you. You should talk to Captain Morian, she’s the most connected here, and the best strategist I have met.”

“I will, thank you.” She nodded toward Rook. “How’s he doing?”

“I don’t know, he hasn’t woken up yet today. But he’s not moaning in his sleep right now, so that’s good.”

“He was moaning in his sleep?”

“Oh,” Cassian blushed at having given away this intimate detail. “Well, you know, torture does that. Combine it with a fever, and you get a lot of sleep-talking. And sleep-thrashing.”

“Is that why he’s over there, and you’re over here?”

“No, to be honest, I don’t like to be separate from him when he’s having a nightmare or flashback. But his fever was so high that he couldn’t stand to be next to me.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“It’s ok, I took care of him, and he’s better now. See? Look, he’s sleeping very peacefully.”

He did look relatively peaceful, given that this was Bodhi Rook.

“Well, I’ll be off then. Îmwe and Malbus will be around, so if you get bored, Îmwe can make you tea and talk about the force, and Malbus can scoff at everything he says.”

“Perfect. Maybe I can teach Malbus to be a better cheater, too. He is too obvious about it.”

“As long as your espionage skills are being put to good use.”

“Stay warm, Jyn,” Andor said before she left. She smiled, liking that he used her first name.

“I’ll do my best. Cassian.”

 

 

_Ha-chu!_ Bodhi sneezed, and shifted a little, slowly beginning to wake up. Immediately, Cassian was next to his bunk, placing a hand on his forehead. At this, Bodhi jerked completely awake.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you so suddenly. I just wanted to check the fever.”

“Your hands,” Bodhi croaked weakly, “are like ice.”

“Sorry,” Cassian said again. “Do you want anything? Tea? Water? Food?”

“Don’t mention food…”

“Water, then?”

“Please.”

Cassian nodded, and went off to the kitchen.

Bodhi was regretting forcing himself to eat the day before. He felt like life would be a whole lot easier if he had a completely empty stomach, but he felt too tired and achy to get himself to the bathroom to throw up. He lay there for a minute or so, the various discomforts battling each other, until he decided that if he didn’t get to the bathroom soon, his situation would become a lot more unpleasant. He dragged himself out of bed and down the hall. A few minutes later, he was more exhausted than before, but at least his stomach didn’t hurt as much.

Bodhi opened the bathroom door and almost walked right into Baze.

“You sound horrible,” Baze said bluntly.

Bodhi was too tired to apologize.

“Lean on me, I’ll help you back.”

Baze helped Bodhi back to his quarters, helped him back onto his bed as Cassian watched, cup of water in hand. Baze took the cup from Cassian and began to raise it to Bodhi’s lips. Bodhi took the smallest sip possible, and nodded to indicate he was done. He was thirsty, but he didn’t want a lot of water sloshing around in his stomach. He shivered. He had forgotten that he was cold, but now he very much remembered. Baze wrapped Bodhi’s blanket around him, and helped him lay down.

“Is he almost finished?” Baze asked. It took Bodhi a second to realize Baze was talking to Cassian, and another to realize that he didn’t know what Baze was talking about. He opened his eyes, and noticed for the first time an inert K-2SO at the foot of Cassian’s bed, a set of tools on the table beside him. By the time he’d taken all that in, he’d missed Cassian’s reply.

“It’s K-2…” Bodhi muttered.

“Yes and no,” Cassian replied dejectedly. “Like I said, it’s functional, but it’s not K-2, it’s not _my_ K-2. I think I will give it to the resistance movement here, it hurts too much to see this droid looking like K-2 and sounding like K-2 but not _being_ K-2.” While he was processing all this, Bodhi noticed that Cassian said “it” and not “he”.

“Mm,” Bodhi grunted.

“But you, Bodhi, how are you?”

“Cold. Nauseous. Tired.” He coughed weakly.

“What would help you? Tea?”

“No tea.” Bodhi swallowed.

“I can sit with you to warm you.”

“Your hands are too cold.”

“I’m sorry.” This was confusing. Bodhi was usually the one who apologized.

He felt a warm hand on his forehead. Too warm to be Cassian’s.

“His fever is very high,” Bodhi heard Baze say. “We should let him sleep. Give him some water whenever he wakes up, but not too much at once.”

“Of course.”

Bodhi heard the door open and shut, presumably Baze leaving. Selfishly, Bodhi wished that Baze would stay, leaving his hand on Bodhi’s forehead. But he shouldn’t be exposing Baze to his germs more than he already had.

He felt Cassian down next to him. Bodhi tried to shift toward the wall to give Cassian more room, but he couldn’t move himself more than a couple of centimeters. He braced himself for Cassian’s icy hand, and was relieved that it landed on his shoulder, which was well-protected by his shirt and a blanket.

“Do you want more water?”

Bodhi wished that he could telepathically transmit his wishes to Cassian, to spare him the energy of talking. Since it wasn’t an option, he muttered, “Some.” He felt Cassian lift him to a semi-seated position and hold the cup of water to his lips. He took another small sip, and nodded. Cassian gently lowered him back down.

Bodhi wanted to sleep, but at the same time, he felt restless. Stealing the plans to the Death Star had only been the beginning, and now that he’d had a taste of working for the Rebellion, he wanted more. He also felt guilty, knowing that he’d gotten Cassian sick. If Bodhi felt this bad, how much worse off was Cassian? And he was cold, so damned cold. The kind of cold that made sleep impossible.

“Are you asleep?” Cassian whispered.

“No. Can’t sleep.”

“What would help?”

“Blanket. Warm hands.”

“I can’t offer warm hands, but I have a blanket.”

“No. Not your blanket. You need it. You’re sick.”

Bodhi heard Cassian laugh. “I can’t believe you’re worried about me when you’re like this. No. That’s not true. I can completely believe it. It’s both why I love you and why you drive me crazy.” Bodhi felt Cassian put another blanket on him. “Better?”

“Yes.” ‘Marginally’ was more syllables than ‘yes’.

“Anything else I can do?”

“Talk.”

“About what?” When Bodhi didn’t answer, Cassian asked, “Do you just want to hear my voice?”

“Mm.”

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes.’ I’ll tell you the most boring thing I can think of, to help you sleep. The Rebel Alliance has very complex rules for officer uniforms. Certain colors are not used because of association with the Empire, and capes are completely off limits. Boots are required to be…” And with that, Bodhi drifted off to sleep.

 

 

Bodhi awoke hungrier than he’d been in weeks. The kind of hunger that makes you tired, grumpy, and light-headed. Despite this, he felt stronger than he had in a while. He sat up, and looked at the bunk across from him. Cassian was asleep, snoring ever so slightly. Bodhi got up quietly, and opened the door as slowly as possible so as not to wake him up.

He found Jyn in the kitchen, making something delicious-smelling and brewing something caffeinated. She turned at the sound of his footsteps.

“What are you making?” he asked. “Is there enough for two?”

“Oh, so you’re eating again?” Jyn smiled. “I’m relieved. You’re skinny enough to begin with, I was worried there wouldn’t be anything left of you.”

“I don’t think a day or so without eating is enough to harm anyone.”

“It was three days. How often do you go multiple days without eating?” Jyn looked concerned. Bodhi didn’t like it when people looked concerned.

“Um, I don’t,” he answered, because two could hardly be counted as ‘multiple.’ ‘Multiple’ clearly implied three or more.

“Anyway, take this. You need it more than I do. I’ll make myself something in a minute.”

“I could…” he trailed off. He was about to offer to make something for himself, but he was really hungry and really tired, and he knew that she was a better cook than him. Before he could think of a good way to finish the sentence, she had already filled a plate for him.

“Eat.”

“Thanks.” He didn’t say anything for a while, concentrating on filling the aching hunger. After a few minutes, he realized how rude he was being. “Thank you. And, um, how are you?”

Jyn laughed. “I’m not sure how to answer that. I’m restless. I’ve spent the last few days alternating between worrying about the galaxy and worrying about you.”

“And about Cassian?”

“Less so. He seems to have gotten off with just a cold. I’m sorry for getting so mad at you for making him sick. The way you got, it was probably the other way around. His Festan contagions doing a number on you.”

Bodhi shrugged. He took another bite, and chewed thoughtfully. “So Cassian’s ok?”

“He’s fine. Well, he’s depressed. He got the droid working again, but K-2 as we knew him is definitely gone. And he’s worried about you, of course. He said he hates watching you from the other side of the room, but you wouldn’t let him near you.”

“I wouldn’t?”

“First you were too feverish, and then you complained about his cold hands.”

“Oh. I’ve been a bit horrible, haven’t I?”

“You’ve been sick.”

Bodhi shrugged and changed the subject. “Cassian told me there’s a growing Rebel movement here. That we could join up with them. Have you two planned anything?”

“I went to their base three days ago. Well, I’d hardly call it a base, it’s still sort of under construction. Anyway, yes, there’s a growing movement. They’re gathering forces, and we’ll be meeting up in another two days.”

“Two more days? Why are we waiting so long? We need to move quickly!”

“They needed time to gather people, and you and Cassian needed time to recover.”

“You said Cassian’s fine now.”

“I didn’t know he would be when I went. And even if I had, you’re hardly in any shape for travel or meetings right now.”

“So leave me behind. Cassian can fly the cargo shuttle without a problem. If I need to leave, I can always ride the tauntaun.”

Jyn scoffed.

“What’s so funny? You think I can’t ride a tauntaun? I grew up on Jedha; I learned to ride a cracian thumper when I was eight years old.”

“I’m sure you’d be fine on a tauntaun, as long as it’s on another planet. Bodhi, you can barely stand the lowered temperatures _inside_ , you’d never make it out there.” Bodhi scowled, and Jyn’s expression softened. “I say this out of concern for you. Cassian’s not the only one who cares about you, you know.”

Bodhi shrugged, and attempted to stifle an ill-timed cough.

“Ok, Bodhi, back to your bunk. I’ll bring you tea in a minute.”

“Tell me what you learned at the base.”

“I’ll tell you once I’ve got the tea ready. Go.”

Something in Jyn’s tone of voice reminded Bodhi of his mother, and his heart ached so much his breath caught in his throat. Jyn was an orphan, too, he remembered. They all were.

“Bodhi?”

Before Jyn could ask him if he were alright, he turned on his heel and returned to his bunk.

 

 

Two days later, the crew of Rogue One was finally leaving their home base. Bodhi was particularly pleased, as he hadn’t been outside a single time in over a week, and had been starting to feel a bit claustrophobic. There was only so much tea one could drink, so much sabacc to play, so many arguments about the force to listen to. And that was just Chirrut and Baze. Bodhi had been trying very hard not to get on Jyn’s or Cassian’s nerves, as they had both been fairly high strung in the days leading up to the meeting.

Cassian insisted on piloting the cargo shuttle. He told Bodhi it was because he knew the way to the base better than anyone. Still, Bodhi insisted on co-piloting, to which Cassian readily agreed. He noticed that Cassian interacted with the newly rebuilt K-X droid as little as possible.

They landed without incident, and hurriedly entered the make-shift base. Jyn had not been exaggerating when she said it was still under construction. For example, the heating system left something to be desired. Bodhi steeled himself, knowing that a cup of tea would be forced into his hand the moment he gave even a hint of shivering.

A tall furry humanoid greeted them as they entered, hugging Cassian and Jyn. She introduced herself to the others as Captain Morian. Bodhi realized that he’d been expecting her to be human, and felt embarrassed at his assumptions. In some ways, he was no better than the Empire he’d defected from. Captain Morian led them to a large room, filled with members of various species, waiting expectantly.

“Fellow Rebels,” she intoned, “I present to you the members of Rogue One.”

As they introduced themselves, one by one, Bodhi heard a gasp.

“¡Cassian! ¡Carnal!”[1]

Cassian stiffened beside him. “No mames…”[2]

A short light-skinned man, around Cassian’s age, came striding to the center of the room.

“¿Cassian, eres tú? ¿De verdad?”[3]

“Gael…” This name was familiar to Bodhi. He felt a twinge of jealousy.

Jyn cleared her throat, looking only a little annoyed at the interruption. “As we were saying, these are Chirrut Îmwe and Baze Malbus, the two remaining Guardians of the Whills. And Bodhi Rook, the pilot who first brought us the news of the Death Star, and of its weakness.”

By now, the other man, Gael, had made it to the center, and he and Cassian were embracing.

“I thought I’d never see you again,” Cassian whispered.

“Cassian, carajo, háblame en festán.”

“Ya no puedo. I think in Standard now.”[4]

“Colonization of the mind, carnal.”

Captain Morian cleared her throat. “I suppose Captain Andor is already familiar with some of us. Before any personal reunions, perhaps we could take a moment to discuss the next steps?”

Jyn kicked Cassian lightly, and he started, realizing where he was. “Sorry. I just can’t believe I’m seeing my old friend. We lose so many people in the war, it’s so rare that we return to each other.” He turned to his friend. “Gael, we’ll talk after, ok?”

“Yeah, sure, we’ll talk.”

Within a few minutes, Bodhi was so drawn in to the meeting that he forgot about anything else. He couldn’t get over how democratic the Rebel Alliance was. He was not used to having his voice heard. People spoke to and about him so directly, both to question his true alliance and to pump him for insider information. He noticed Jyn stand a little straighter every time he mentioned Galen. The man who had brought them all together.

After the meeting ended, people began to disperse. Bodhi was thirsty from so much talking, and turned to his companions to ask if any of them wanted to go find a drink. Jyn was talking with Captain Morian, and he didn’t want to interrupt. He noticed the Festano, Gael, had returned, and was talking to Cassian. Bodhi watched awkwardly as his companion caught up with his ex-lover, slipping in and out of Standard.[5]

“So how is it you’re here on Hoth?”

“El destino me trajo aquí. El destino y la revolución.”

“¿Pero por qué Hoth? The Resistencia está en muchas partes.”

“Pues en realidad… escuché que estabas aquí. Recién llegué aquí hace dos días. ¡Carajo, hace frío!" Gael shook his head. "Cuidado de que no te enfermes.”

“Ya me enfermé. But now estoy bien.”

“¿Te das cuenta que estás hablando festán?”

“I didn’t think I could do it. But contigo I remember. How do you still speak so good?”

“I practice.”

“Tell me, Habibi, do you still sing?”

“Sí, ¿pero qué quiere decir ‘habibi’? No suena Standard.”

“Oh. I guess that’s Jedhan. Like, querido, mi amor, cariño.”

“You learned Jedhan?” Gael glanced at Bodhi, who looked away. “Siempre te gustaban los bajitos.”

“He’s not so bajito.”

“¿Es tu novio?”

“Pues, sí. ¿Y tú? ¿Tienes novio? ¿Novia?”

“Novia. Es festana también.”

“So that’s how you practice.”

“Y con los hijos.”

Cassian’s eyes widened. “¿Hijos? ¡No mames! But aren’t you afraid?”

“¿Por qué?”

“In this war. In these times. That you could lose them.”

“Of course. But we can’t stop loving because death is a possibility.” He paused. “Or else we would never have loved each other. Do you regret it?”

“No, of course not. You?”

“De ninguna manera.” The two gazed at each other for longer than Bodhi thought really necessary.

“I – I’m glad you found someone. Your kids, do they have festan names?”

“Of course. The oldest, she’s called Frida, and the younger is Cassian.”

“I’m honored.”

“You should be. This younger Cassian is something else. Maybe someday you’ll live up to him.”

“How old?”

“Seis años.”[6]

“Oh, that’s a lot to live up to.”

Bodhi felt a hand on his shoulder. He had come to recognize the different weight and feel of everyone’s hands, so he knew without looking that it was Baze.

“Come on. We’re having a drink with Captain Morian.”

“And Cassian?”

“Leave him. He’ll come back to us.”

Bodhi didn’t know if Baze meant for the short-term or long-term. He was a little embarrassed at how jealous he felt. He knew that he’d be the same way if he saw anyone from his past, from his home. Which was next to impossible now…

Except that it wasn’t. At this very moment, he was standing beside two Guardians of the Whills, not only from his planet, but from his city. As long as they were around, Jedha City would always live on with them. He really ought to start speaking Jedhan with them, before any of them began to forget.

“Na’am,” he replied, and followed them to a long table with various species. They found empty chairs by Captain Morian and Jyn, who immediately poured them a dark, sweet-smelling drink. Bodhi was pleased to find that the drink was both warm and slightly alcoholic. This welcome change from tea had him feeling quite mellow by the time Cassian and Gael joined them.

“So what is the plan?” Cassian asked, arm around Gael, and festan accent thicker than usual.

“Have you not been paying any attention during the entire meeting?” Jyn raised an eyebrow.

“No. I mean yes. Yes that I’ve been paying attention. But the plan for now. For us. Where do we fit in?”

“I vote for somewhere warm,” Bodhi said. “I’m done with this cold. I miss the desert.”

“You could come with me to Elom,” Gael suggested. “The Eloms have helped the Elomin to throw off the shackles of slavery, but they are still fighting the Empire for water rights.”

“It’s always water with you,” Cassian commented.

“Agua es vida.”

“Pardon?” Bodhi was not interested in being excluded from the conversation, and he was just tipsy enough to do something about it.

“Water is life.” Gael looked at him seriously. “Cassian tells me you’re from an occupied moon, and you rebelled against your oppressors. As an insider and a rebel, you could be very useful to us in Elom.”

“Also, you can learn to cook their delicacies,” Cassian added, deadpan.

“I know that may sound tempting,” Jyn cut in, “but I think we could be more useful in a more central position in the Rebellion. I think we should either head to Yavin 4 to join with General Dodonna’s troops, or stay on Hoth to join with Captain Morian.”

“Yavin 4,” Bodhi responded immediately. “No offence, Captain Morian. I just wasn’t built for this climate.”

Baze turned to Chirrut for a cue.

“We will go wherever you go, Erso. Won’t we, Baze?”

“We will,” Baze responded.

There was a silence. They all turned expectantly to Cassian. Chirrut raised his eyebrows in expectation.

“Oh. Er.” Cassian paused. He looked between his old friend and his new ones. “I – I suppose…”

“Do what’s in your heart, carnal,” Gael murmured.

“But –” Cassian turned to Jyn, pleading in his eyes. “If we go to Elom, we could recruit there. I’m sure that both the Eloms and the Elomin would happily join our troops. They have every reason to hate the Empire.”

“Cassian, hermano, they are not in a position to be recruited.” Gael shook his head. “If you mean you want to recruit them against the Empire, it’s unnecessary. It is condescending to think they need outsiders to tell them that the Empire is oppressing them. If you mean you want to recruit them to join intergalactic battles, now is not the time. They are fighting for their own planet right now, and to leave that planet now would be to allow its destruction.” He took Cassian’s hand. “My heart will always be in the water wars. This is who I am. And I have children now, a family, I can’t run off to a different planet every time there is another battle.”

“But you came here…” Cassian insisted.

“Yes, I came here. I wanted to see you one last time.”

Cassian’s face hardened. Bodhi held his breath. The seconds of silence seemed interminable.

“I won’t say goodbye,” Cassian said softly. “Because we will see each other again. As soon as this war is over, I will see you on Elom. With Frida and little Cassian, and your partner –”

“Dolores.”

“And with Dolores.”

“I look forward to seeing you again.” Gael looked each member of Rogue One in the eye. “All of you. You are always welcome in my home.”

Cassian’s face remained impassive. “I don’t suppose you would have any use for a reprogrammed Imperial Droid on Elom?”

“No mames, are you serious? That would be amazing! But don’t you need him?”

“It has served me well, and it’s time it’s had a new life, so to speak.” Cassian’s lips twitched in what must have been an attempt at a smile. “It’s yours. I’ll go get it from the cargo shuttle.” He began to stand up.

“Baze and I will bring you the droid,” Chirrut interrupted. “Won’t we, Baze?”

Baze just grunted. But his smile showed he didn’t actually mind being bossed around by Chirrut. He helped his friend up, and they turned to go. Captain Morian also took this opportunity to excuse herself from the intimate scene taking place.

Gael took a long sip of his drink. “I’m glad you have a family, now, Cassian. You always tried to be too alone.” Cassian didn’t respond. “Erso, Rook, please take care of my friend. In two minutes with me, he said more about you than he has ever said about me in his life.”

“That’s not true!” Cassian said fiercely. “Te amaba, Gael. Te quería, y te sigo queriendo.”[7]

Gael shook his head. “You can’t live in the past, carnal.”

“You call me carnal…”

“You will always be my brother, Cassian. But you cannot be in two places at once. And you wouldn’t be happy on Elom. You need to be in the action, in the center.”

Bodhi was amazed how Cassian’s face could go from furious to blank in an instant. Habits of a spy, he supposed. It broke his heart to see Cassian like this. As much as he would love to join Cassian on Elom, he knew that Jyn was right, that he was needed elsewhere. And that Cassian was needed elsewhere, too. He wondered how many times Cassian had had to make this choice, the Rebellion over love. He didn’t dare speak.

It was Jyn who put her arm around Cassian. “Cassian, I’m sorry. I know how you feel. Losing the ones you love. It doesn’t get easier, no matter how often it happens.”

“I’ve lost count,” Cassian muttered bitterly. “You wonder why my best friend was a droid. And even him, I lost.”

“You have us,” Jyn insisted. “The woman who climbed the data towers of the Scarif vault with you to physically extract the plans for the Death Star. The pilot who shares the dark nights with you, who needs you as much as you need him. And Chirrut and Baze, well, Baze is a bit scary, and Chirrut can be a little preachy, but I think that comes with being a Guardian of the Whills. You have us, Cassian. You’ll never be alone again.”

“You can’t promise that. You can’t know that.”

“I don’t care, I’m promising anyway. I’m with you to the very end, Cassian. You’re the best friend I have, and I’m staying with you as long as I can.”

Cassian didn’t say anything, but Bodhi felt him bouncing his leg restlessly under the table. He put a hand on Cassian’s knee. Cassian drained his cup.

Bodhi heard the droid’s approach. Even his gait was not quite the same as the K-2 he’d known.

“So this is the droid you repaired?” Gael asked.

“As best as I could.”

“Thank you, Cassian. Mil gracias. You are helping Elom immensely.”

Cassian grunted.

_Ha-chu!_ Bodhi blushed. Of all the times to sneeze… He felt Jyn’s arm around him.

“You’re shivering, Bodhi. We should get back to our base, and get ready to leave for Yavin. We have a long journey ahead of us.”

Bodhi glanced at Cassian’s impassive face, and seeing that his friend wasn’t going to do it, he threw his arms around Gael. “Cassian’s told me so much about you. I’m glad I met you, even though it was only for a moment. I’ll do my best to make sure it’s not the last time we see each other.”

“Thank you. I’m glad I met you, too. I see that Cassian’s in good hands.”

Jyn was the next to hug Gael. “I wish you all the best. You may not be getting all the glory, but the small fights are as important as the famous battles.”

“There are no small fights,” Gael responded. “We’re all in this together.”

“Remember to trust in the Force,” Chirrut smiled, “and the Force will be with you always.”

“But also have back-up,” Baze added.

Gael nodded, smiling at each of them. He grasped Chirrut’s hand “Keep the faith, Chirrut. And keep Baze nearby, too.” Baze grinned.

Seeing that Cassian was making no move to hug him, Gael turned to his old friend and lover. “I won’t leave you empty handed.” Gael removed a necklace he was wearing under his shirt. It held a tiny vial of liquid. “May I?” Cassian made a barely perceptible nod, and Gael fastened it around his neck. “It’s water from Fest. To remember your roots.”

“Agua es vida,” Cassian murmured.

Gael blinked back tears. “Goodbye. I wish you all luck. Take care of each other, and vayan con la Fuerza. May the Force be with you all.”

 

[1] Carnal is a term of affection between really close friends. Like “bro” but much stronger.

[2] Like “no shit” or “you’re shitting me”.

[3] Is it you? For real?

[4] Cassian, shit, talk to me in festan.

I can’t anymore.

[5] The conversation is as follows, with Standard words and phrases in italics. (The italics are the only part that Bodhi would understand.)

_“So how is it you’re here on Hoth?”_

“Destiny brought me here. Destiny and the revolution.”

“But why Hoth? _The_ Resistance is in many places.”

“Well to be honest… I heard that you were here. I just got here two days ago. Shit, it’s cold!" Gael shook his head. "Be careful that you don’t get sick.”

“I already got sick. _But now_ I’m fine.”

“Do you notice that you’re speaking festan?”

“ _I didn’t think I could do it. But_ with you _I remember. How do you still speak so good?”_

“ _I practice_.”

“ _Tell me, Habibi, do you still sing_?”

“Yes, but what does ‘ _habibi’_ mean? It doesn’t sound _Standard_.”

“ _Oh. I guess that’s Jedhan. Like,_ [different terms of affection].”

“ _You learned Jedhan?_ ” Gael glanced at Bodhi, who looked away. “You always liked short guys.”

“ _He’s not so_ short.”

“Is he your boyfriend?”

“Well, yes. And you? Do you have a boyfriend? A girlfriend?”

“A girlfriend. She’s festan, too.”

“ _So that’s how you practice_.”

“And with the kids.”

Cassian’s eyes widened. “Kids? No shit! _But aren’t you afraid?_ ”

“Why?”

“ _In this war. In these times. That you could lose them.”_

_“Of course. But we can’t stop loving because death is a possibility_.” He paused. “ _Or else we would never have loved each other. Do you regret it?”_

_“No, of course not. You?”_

“No way.” The two gazed at each other for longer than Bodhi thought really necessary.

[6] Six years.

[7] I loved you, Gael. I loved you, and I still love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, my plan was for a reunion with Cassian and Gael. But I realized that they couldn’t end up in the same place and stay true to their priorities. Regardless, I’m going to say that, in as much as an AU fanfic can have its own canon, the canon for this fic is that they all eventually meet up with Gael on Elom, or possibly another planet, to fight for indigenous people’s water rights. And they all live revolutionarily ever after, the end. 
> 
> Also, this is why I put in the bit about Gael being a bad singer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKZAWvs9qpY I’m sure Gael García Bernal is actually a wonderful singer when he’s not in character, but this was just too good to pass up.


	4. bonus mini-chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: So chapter 3 was going to be the end, but I saw a comment that someone wrote that the way I ended it soured on them, leaving them with a really bad impression of Cassian, and I decided to write more. I’m wondering if this is another case of the “something is really clear in my mind but I’m not actually making it clear in my writing”, so the extra mini-chapter will maybe take care of that? Because apparently stony silence is not the best way to show the inner workings of a character. (;
> 
> Anyway, sorry for letting the Diego and Gael joke get out of hand.

Cassian was quiet on the flight to Yavin 4. Without K-2, Cassian and Bodhi were the only ones who could fly the cargo shuttle. While Baze and Chirrut seemed happy enough to leave them to it, Jyn was reluctant to leave Cassian. The cracks in his hard exterior had been showing more lately, and she was worried.

About an hour into the flight, Bodhi coughed nervously.

“Cold?” Jyn asked automatically.

“I’m fine,” he answered, blushing. He glanced fleetingly at Cassian, who continued looking forward, grip on the controls tightening. Perhaps emboldened by the break in silence, Bodhi swallowed, and turned to face him. “Cassian? Are _you_ alright?”

“I’m fine,” Cassian muttered.

Bodhi bit his lip.

“You’re not fine,” Jyn countered. “You’re clearly not fine, and Bodhi and I are clearly both worried about you. Are you going to talk to us or not?”

Cassian shrugged. “What’s the point? We’ve all three lost everything, and more than once. What is there to say?” There was a brief silence, as Jyn and Bodhi waited for Cassian to continue. Cassian shook his head. “But to lose the _same person_ multiple times…” He turned to Bodhi. “You have to understand, Bodhi, it’s not just him. He was my first boyfriend, yeah, but he’s also a link to my past, to my planet. To who I used to be.”

“I understand,” Bodhi said softly.

“Do you?” Cassian asked. “I didn’t always just hang out with droids, you know. I used to actually spend time with people. But you go losing them, one at a time.” He turned to Jyn. “You asked me before, when I said we were all important to each other, you asked how many times I’d given that speech? Maybe you’re right, maybe it’s meaningless. Maybe we don’t mean anything to each other. I’m just a warm body, until I’m not.”

“You’re not just a warm body,” Bodhi said, even softer than before.

“How well do you even know me, Bodhi? The life I’ve lived, the things I’ve done – I’m not a good man. It’s not a good idea to be close to me. The problem with personal relationships is that sometimes I have to make sacrifices. I don’t want you to ever be my sacrifices.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” Bodhi said quietly. Jyn stared at him. Where was that coming from? “I’ve done some terrible things, too, Cassian. And not in the name of the rebellion. If I were ever to be a sacrifice for the rebellion… maybe things would come out even in the end. Or at least, closer to even.”

Jyn was about to say something, but she stopped when she saw Cassian’s hard expression shift into something bordering on frightened.

“Shit, Bodhi, don’t ever talk that way! Whatever you may have done, you’ve made up for it. I’m sure of it.”

Bodhi shrugged. “You don’t know that.”

“You risked your life time and again for a rebellion you owed nothing to. That’s got to count for something. I’ve been taking you for granted, haven’t I? You know how important you are, right?”

Bodhi shrugged again.

“Carajo, I’ve been talking about K-2 and Gael like I’ve lost everything, and here you two are, putting up with me and my self-pity.”

“I think you deserve a little self-pity,” Jyn said. “Take your time.”

Cassian turned to Jyn. “You lost your mentor and your father and the next day you were fighting again.”

“Can we – not talk about that?”

“Sorry. I’m sorry. I – I’m – I don’t know.” He shook his head. “I just – I didn’t want to accept that K-2 was really gone, so when I couldn’t fix him all the way, it was like I lost him a second time. But with Gael, I accepted him as gone so long ago, so when I saw him again, and then he couldn’t join with us…”

“You lost him a second time?” Bodhi finished. Jyn swallowed. This conversation was hitting a little too close to home.

“Yeah. Like that. And now I’ve got people again, I’ve got you two and those two Guardians, and I’m just thinking, I’m just going to lose you again. At Scarif, we all of us barely made it out of there. And Bodhi, with your fever, you were so sick, and I couldn’t help you get better. I couldn’t do anything. Except fail to fix K-2. And get in Jyn’s way.”

“You weren’t in my way. Much.” Jyn smiled gently at Cassian, but he didn’t respond.

“Bodhi, you said things in your sleep, and I couldn’t protect you. I couldn’t even hold you because you couldn’t stand my touch. I thought, this was going to be it. Because I had convinced you that we had to go to Hoth.”

“It was worth it, wasn’t it?” Bodhi asked. “We made contacts, we found out what was going on.”

“But what if you hadn’t made it?”

Bodhi shrugged. “Like you said, there are sacrifices. What if we hadn’t made it off Scarif? But we did.”

“Sorry to interrupt, but is that Yavin 4 that we’re about to pass by?” Bodhi and Cassian started at Jyn’s words.

“Right. Hold on to your seats, I’m about to make a sharp turn.” Jyn and Bodhi braced themselves as Cassian brought them into the planet’s gravitational orbit. Twenty minutes later, they were safely landed. Bodhi headed off to his quarters, but Cassian was too restless to sleep, and Jyn didn’t want to leave him by himself. They didn’t talk, just looked at the starry night sky. After a moment, Cassian put his arm around Jyn.

“Thank you, Jyn,” he said. “You remind me to be human.”

“Likewise,” she replied. Staring at the stars, hearing the soft sound of Cassian’s breath and feeling the weight of his arm around her, Jyn felt awash in Cassian’s friendship. Fortunately, she did not feel the slightest temptation to kiss him, or any residual jealousy towards Bodhi or even Gael. None at all. Really. She was completely over it.

Unable to fool even herself, she gave Cassian a side-hug, and headed off to bed.

 

 

Cassian watched the stars for a few minutes after Jyn left. He supposed Bodhi and Jyn were right – he was not as alone as he’d thought. While he might lose his best friend or his lover at any moment, he should appreciate them while he had them. With that thought, he walked back to his quarters, selfishly hoping that Bodhi would be awake. He could use some physical closeness, and he didn’t want to get into Bodhi’s bunk without an invitation.

Cassian opened the door to his quarters to hear the all-too-familiar moaning. The faint illumination from the hallway showed that Bodhi was curled up on himself, rocking back and forth. In his exhaustion, Cassian nearly tripped over his own feet rushing to Bodhi’s side. The moaning gave way to pleading.

“N-no! Please! Stop! I – I swear, just – just –”

Cassian threw his arms around Bodhi protectively, and Bodhi let out a scream. He thrashed about wildly, cutting Cassian on the cheek. In shock, Cassian backed away. What on earth had he been thinking? Bodhi was dreaming of mental and physical violation, and Cassian had effectively restrained him. He sat down hard on his own bunk, breathing hard.

The door opened again, and Jyn came running in, turning on the light. “Bodhi! Bodhi, are you alright?”

Bodhi continued to rock back and forth, eyes clamped shut, continuing to moan. Jyn sat next to him and held out a hand in front of him. “Bodhi, can you hear me? It’s me, Jyn. Jyn Erso. Galen’s daughter.”

Bodhi shook his head rhythmically.

“Bodhi, open your eyes.” He opened his eyes warily. “Take my hand. It’s right here. Go on, take it.” Bodhi’s hand twitched. Jyn held her hand steady, and slowly Bodhi reached to grasp it. Cassian noticed Jyn flinch slightly, and figured Bodhi must be grabbing her pretty hard. Jyn caught his eye, and motioned for him to come join her on Bodhi’s other side. Reluctantly, he did so. Jyn was starting to calm Bodhi down, and he didn’t want to undo the good she’d done.

“Bodhi. Can you hear me?” Jyn continued. Bodhi nodded. “Do you know where you are?” He shook his head. “You’re on Yavin 4. Specifically, you’re in Rogue One, in your quarters. I’m here with you, and Cassian’s on the other side of you. Take his hand, Bodhi, go on.” Cassian stuck out his hand and Bodhi took it. Cassian winced – he had not been wrong about the strength of Bodhi’s grip. “Bodhi, we’re all very tired. I think we all need to sleep. We can both stay with you until you fall asleep, right Cassian?”

Cassian nodded. “I – I can stay with you,” he said. “In your bunk. If you want.” Bodhi nodded. “Ok, I’ll do it. Let me just get my boots off.” He pulled his boots off as quickly as possible. He and Jyn helped Bodhi lay down, and Cassian lay beside him, holding his hand tightly as though it could stave off the nightmares. Little by little, Bodhi’s breathing calmed.

“Do you want me to stay, too?” Jyn asked. Bodhi didn’t answer. He had already fallen back asleep.

 

Bodhi awoke to sunlight streaming through his closed eyelids, bathing his eyes in reddish light. His body was tense and sore, which he’d learned was a sign of either a nightmare or a full-on flashback. He hoped it had only been the former. He shifted, and noticed something shifting beside him. Something holding him, restraining him. In terror, he tried to shove it away.

“Shit! Bodhi! It’s me, Cassian!”

Bodhi opened his eyes. “Oh. Sorry.” He breathed in slowly, and the terror ebbed away. “Um, good morning, I guess.”

Cassian smiled. “Good morning. Sorry I scared you.”

“It’s alright, I just, I thought I went to bed alone…” Bits of the night before began to come back to him. Combined with the soreness, he had a pretty good idea what Cassian was doing in bed with him. “I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“Last night. Or this morning. Whenever it happened.” He noticed a cut on Cassian’s face he hadn’t seen before, and wondered if he’d caused it.

 “Are you apologizing for your own suffering?” Cassian sat up, rubbing his eyes. His shirt fell open and revealed the necklace Gael had given him.

Bodhi stroked the cut on Cassian’s face. “I did this to you, didn’t I?”

Cassian shrugged. “I’ve had worse. Anyway, it was my fault. I held you when I should have given you room. It was Jyn who calmed you down.”

“Did I injure her, too?”

“No. And this is hardly an injury. Just a little scrape in the line of duty.” He brushed Bodhi’s hair behind his ear, like he had that first time they’d shared a bunk. It would have felt wonderful if Bodhi didn’t feel so guilty.

Bodhi sighed. “I’m sorry, Cassian. You just – well, to say you had an emotional day is an understatement. And then staying up late to fly us here.”

“That’s my job. And you stayed up, too.”

Bodhi shrugged. “Still. I know I’m not the co-pilot you’re used to.”

“You’re a wonderful co-pilot. The best human co-pilot I’ve ever had.”

“And after all that, you got stuck here, in my bunk, taking care of me.”

“Ay, habibi,” Cassian sighed. The sunlight glinted off the vial of festan water. “You should know by now that there’s no place I’d rather be.”


End file.
